Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Waiting.


I had a strange feeling for months and months; it took me forever to pinpoint it. My life had taken some amazing and surprising turns, and i was happy with so many things, but... something was off. It wasn't depression, it wasn't exhaustion, it wasn't even the usual restlessness that constantly creeps up on me. It was something else entirely, but i didn't have a term for it.
One morning, i half woke up with a word in my head -- "doldrums". When i fully woke up a little while later, it was still there, flashing in my brain every few seconds with a strange intensity. I knew the literal version -- an area of the sea with no wind, causing ships to becalm -- but i promptly looked up a more abstract description: "stagnation: a sluggish state in which no development or improvement occurs". That was it. That was it exactly. I was drifting, no motion, stuck without a breeze. It wasn't a dire situation, by any means -- i had plenty of supplies and entertainment on board, but i simply wasn't going anywhere. I had started out on the expedition with huge intentions, then gotten stuck. But now that i've recognized the situation, i've dragged out some oars and have started slowly paddling out.
Enough with the ships. It's a new year. Goodbye little rabbit; hello, dragon. So how do i fix this? What do I want?
I want to be honest. I want to love people like crazy, to drop some of the sarcasm and just let people know that i care. I want to mend broken friendships. I want to take dance breaks. I want to finally get through the Baroque Cycle. I want to learn everything, everything, everything. I want to wake up earlier. I want to take more classes -- tap and Charleston were a good start. I want to let go of a few things. I want to write more letters. I want to be more productive. I want to be so much braver than i am. I want to start that league. I want to bake more pies! I want to learn a new instrument -- hello, banjo in the closet. I want to write that story. I want to hear more stories from other people. On and on and on.
A friend and I made a pact -- we're going to shake off the apathy and get clear of the doldrums and we'll give this year everything we've got. I'm pretty sure we'll be amazed by where we end up. 

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